no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
