My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we're so committed to being not committed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
