She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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