That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
