I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
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Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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