totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
