you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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