I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
