THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
