A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
