ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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