I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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