...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
