I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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