I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she told me i tasted like america
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.