It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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