Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
