Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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