Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
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What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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