in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
