I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
