I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
