hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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