i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
