I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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