pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
