my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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