Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I need a beard to bite.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
