when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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