what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
