this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
