Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
