I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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