And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
