Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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