Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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