Umm I'm too high to move.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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