i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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