btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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