But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Are we still banned from the library?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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