i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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