So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
