I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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