her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
