The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
