He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
