so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
