New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
3pm strippers are depressing
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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