I can feel you judging me through the phone.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
