True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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