Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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