you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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