another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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