I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
