youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
