i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
